lonely

have been trying to put this concept into my own personal understanding for quite a while now...

dictionary.com describes lonely as an adjective, "1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome. 2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc. 3. lone, solitary, without company, companionless. 4. remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak 5. standing apart, isolated"

that's not quite what I feel when I think of lonely, although, im not questioning dictionary.com... I just feel there is a deeper meaning...

as a single mother... a mother with sole physical and legal custody of my kids... I believe I feel lonely often. the concept of family is that there are people to share your life with (a small part of a very lengthy definition of family)... and although I share and love many moments with my children... the adult intimate, not just referring to sexual activity, is missing... im talking about the brainstorming of how to solve classroom issues with a child, the best choice for summer activities, class projects, back to school and open house nights, college choices, sporting events, overall decisions about the kids and their futures and parenting styles, pillow talk about daily activities... a commitment between two adults to raise and nurture full functioning children into adult life... all of these decisions and choices and thoughts lay in my brain alone... and although I feel strong enough to handle these... and I feel I am successful, thus far, at raising my children... it's a heavy burden to bare alone... it's a lot of brain activity that makes my body exhausted. I am so grateful for my children... im a better person because im their mother, im stronger, and wiser and better equipped to take on life... and along with being this strong independent women... im often lonely... and that loneliness is tolerable. I can bare those feelings... they have become part of my life and who I am... and I am grateful for those feelings, now I can recognize what good company and good companionship is...

I come from an immediate family that I feel is bent and damaged. I don't share holidays or special times with my family, mutually. they are not my backbones and people I turn to in any aspect of my life... and all for different reasons. I have learned to forgive and love despite these roadblocks... I have also learned healthy boundaries for myself in these relationships. not having those backbones feels lonely. wanting that closeness and not having it, assists in feeling lonely. and yet, that too, has become part of me, of who I am...

I have lost people in my life that were labeled as family in my life. people I allowed in, chose in moments to be my family. and they are no longer here. that helps tremendously in feeling lonely. and yet. I have accepted those situations for what they are and am capable of feeling and letting that go, and not having negative feelings that feed my life in any way. I accept each of the situations for what they are.

I have been in monogamous relationships. I have been married. I have cared deeply for people in my life. 
I have been in love, in unconditional love. the kind of love that you would give any part of yourself for. the kind of love that is more than one aspect. is much deeper than one moment, although, every single moment makes for massive memories and stronger feelings. the kind of love that no sacrifice seems impossible. all can be conquered with this love, any road block, any speed bump, any issue. where every smile is worth a million years. the kind of love that one kind deed can be spread through a year and make that year worth every second... where you want to see that person every minute of every day... and yet you are content knowing that they are happy... and are okay not seeing them that often... the kind of love where you care and want to hear every moment of their life. where you can listen to their thoughts and understand and want to know more... the kind of love where you will support and back up and be behind in the darkest moments... where you can hold their hand on their journey and walk next to when needed and help hold them up when needed... share the laughs, the sorrows, the victories and the losses... and make the best of all of those times... dance in the rain... the kind of love that you allow the fears and the baggage and the feelings of doubt fall away... trust in your strong, intense, unconditional feelings of love....

only to really learn and understand that the love is not shared... that is the true definition of lonely... to be alone in love is the true definition of lonely to me...