10/21/11 @ 1121am

today marks the two year anniversary of Brittany's car accident. I will never ever forget that day... I remember the nitty gritty details... and I remember the overall intensity surrounding such an event. the thought that someone you love could be lost in a moment hit so deeply.

although my friendship today with Brittany is never where I imagined it to be... I feel forever tied to her and this major event that changed her life forever. I feel an odd closeness with people who want nothing to do with me today... I feel like its a day that only we, the ones who lived it, can understand...

the LLLOOONNNNGGG moments in the hospital waiting room to get some sort of clarity to a phone call that said "Brittany has been in a multi car accident, get to the hospital as quickly as possible". the treacherous moments learning of the few injuries, thank goodness, she had. the moment where we all knew she was going to make it... and although I felt for her pain and the strenuous road ahead... the joy I felt that she was not lost. she was not taken so young. the days in the hospital seemed like a lifetime... the gathering family together, making phone calls to insurance, cell phone companies, all the back and forth involving a car accident... staying close to each other, as we all knew we needed each other...

that day... more than any other day in my life... I had learned the importance of life. to such a large understanding... how fragile life is... how strong our bodies are... how much one person can endure... she had survived an accident she factually should not have survived... it was not her time to go... and seeing her in the hospital, I felt relief and a lot of sadness for her body and her road to recovery. 

seeing her car, to attempt to gather her personal belongings, was such a real visual of how strong her physical body is. and what a fighter she is... what an inspiration and hero she is to me. what a moment, one that is engraved in my head.

watching her struggles throughout the next year... another huge confirmation that the human body is strong beyond belief. how amazing it was to witness that recovery and healing. the physical and mental pain she shared with me. I am grateful for the moments I was able to share in. how I treasure those celebrations of life, that at those moments, I didn't realize that's what they were... and today, I see that... each car ride to physical therapy, each single step, each x-ray, each checkup... what celebrations of a life deserved...

I am so grateful for this experience. so grateful for the lessons I was able to learn. the true value of someone you love and how very quickly they can be snatched from you. grateful to the God that saved her, she was definently watched over oct 21, 2011. there was a higher power that intervened this day. and my belief in a higher power grew... my belief that "everything happens for a reason" was confirmed through all the healing. thank you to Brittany for sharing this time with me and allowing me to learn and grow in the ways I needed to. and also SO VERY GRATEFUL that she is alive and able to live her life. and thank you for the tender reminder to never take any moment for granted... live life to its fullest... stay true to yourself... and love, deeply love, those close to you... you never know what lies around the corner...

lonely

have been trying to put this concept into my own personal understanding for quite a while now...

dictionary.com describes lonely as an adjective, "1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome. 2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc. 3. lone, solitary, without company, companionless. 4. remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak 5. standing apart, isolated"

that's not quite what I feel when I think of lonely, although, im not questioning dictionary.com... I just feel there is a deeper meaning...

as a single mother... a mother with sole physical and legal custody of my kids... I believe I feel lonely often. the concept of family is that there are people to share your life with (a small part of a very lengthy definition of family)... and although I share and love many moments with my children... the adult intimate, not just referring to sexual activity, is missing... im talking about the brainstorming of how to solve classroom issues with a child, the best choice for summer activities, class projects, back to school and open house nights, college choices, sporting events, overall decisions about the kids and their futures and parenting styles, pillow talk about daily activities... a commitment between two adults to raise and nurture full functioning children into adult life... all of these decisions and choices and thoughts lay in my brain alone... and although I feel strong enough to handle these... and I feel I am successful, thus far, at raising my children... it's a heavy burden to bare alone... it's a lot of brain activity that makes my body exhausted. I am so grateful for my children... im a better person because im their mother, im stronger, and wiser and better equipped to take on life... and along with being this strong independent women... im often lonely... and that loneliness is tolerable. I can bare those feelings... they have become part of my life and who I am... and I am grateful for those feelings, now I can recognize what good company and good companionship is...

I come from an immediate family that I feel is bent and damaged. I don't share holidays or special times with my family, mutually. they are not my backbones and people I turn to in any aspect of my life... and all for different reasons. I have learned to forgive and love despite these roadblocks... I have also learned healthy boundaries for myself in these relationships. not having those backbones feels lonely. wanting that closeness and not having it, assists in feeling lonely. and yet, that too, has become part of me, of who I am...

I have lost people in my life that were labeled as family in my life. people I allowed in, chose in moments to be my family. and they are no longer here. that helps tremendously in feeling lonely. and yet. I have accepted those situations for what they are and am capable of feeling and letting that go, and not having negative feelings that feed my life in any way. I accept each of the situations for what they are.

I have been in monogamous relationships. I have been married. I have cared deeply for people in my life. 
I have been in love, in unconditional love. the kind of love that you would give any part of yourself for. the kind of love that is more than one aspect. is much deeper than one moment, although, every single moment makes for massive memories and stronger feelings. the kind of love that no sacrifice seems impossible. all can be conquered with this love, any road block, any speed bump, any issue. where every smile is worth a million years. the kind of love that one kind deed can be spread through a year and make that year worth every second... where you want to see that person every minute of every day... and yet you are content knowing that they are happy... and are okay not seeing them that often... the kind of love where you care and want to hear every moment of their life. where you can listen to their thoughts and understand and want to know more... the kind of love where you will support and back up and be behind in the darkest moments... where you can hold their hand on their journey and walk next to when needed and help hold them up when needed... share the laughs, the sorrows, the victories and the losses... and make the best of all of those times... dance in the rain... the kind of love that you allow the fears and the baggage and the feelings of doubt fall away... trust in your strong, intense, unconditional feelings of love....

only to really learn and understand that the love is not shared... that is the true definition of lonely... to be alone in love is the true definition of lonely to me...