love

i used to be a huge blogger when i was married. i usually outletted on myspace.... i know, blah... but it's where it was... and then since my divorce, i have just stopped. and i realized that it seems to be very theraputic for me and there is no reason i cannot continue to blog, even if it is not read by anyone... it's nice to lay thoughts out... sometimes i will have random thoughts and hypothetical situations or ideas. like now... i am thinking about love and thoughts on love... BLAH!!!!!

i, as a young girlie girl, used to see this fairytale in the land of sandra... didn't we all have those thoughts as little girls. this fairytale of someone riding in on a horse and sweeping us off our feet and living happily ever after (or something to that extent... mine was different than that... but you get the idea) ...and then life happens. we date. we have people in our lives. there are friends and there are relationships that teach us and show us. there are super positive experiences and then there are those horrible and negative experiences. either way we learn, hopefully pick up and keep going...

and now that im 30. i have loved. i have lost. i have shared. and i have hurt. when i married clint... i really gave my everything to him. even though things were rocky from the beginning... i placed my trust in that situation that it was going to be forever. i really did believe, for some small amount of time, that i could trust him. i gave him my heart. i gave him and my kids, my all. i gave up, at some point... and then in feb of 2006... i threw in the towel. surrendered to be part of the 70 percent divorce rate in our country. i know, that during my marriage, i gave my all, at different times. there were, of course, times that i should have or could have tried a lot harder. i do not look back and regret leaving. it was not premature and it was, i think, the best decision... im sure there are different thoughts on that one... but for me, it was the right thing. i also took my whole heart back. there was healing to do for ME, but not because i had left part of my heart with clint, i took my whole heart back. i had emotionally healed from losing clint before we seperated. i had been in counseling, not that counseling is the key for everyone, but it really did help me. but there is nothing that can prepare anyone for that situation, even if it's the right decision, it's not easy. and just to be clear... i DO NOT blame our failed marriage on him, alone. it takes two to tango. oh... i could go on and on... but i will stop there...

i still at that point believed that love was possible. i still believed that at some point in my life, i would love and be loved.

well. now my thoughts are different. i will not go into detailed thoughts on it right now... i just cant do it to myself or for the sake of this in writting... but my thoughts are very different now. and maybe at some point i will be able to release those things... but for now, they are still stewing and im figuring out how to let them settle inside me...

random thoughts...
love isn't perfect. it isn't a fairytale or a storybook, and it doesn't always come easy. love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. we think about it, dream about it, and lose sleep worrying about it. when we don't have it, we search for it. when we discover it, we fear losing it. or some may fear holding to that love and letting it happen. it is the constant source of pleasure and pain. but we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. it is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, impossible to live without. love doesn't make the world go round, it's what makes the ride worthwhile. love is work, but most of all, love is realizing that every hour, every minute, every second of it was worth it because you did it ... together...