lonely

have been trying to put this concept into my own personal understanding for quite a while now...

dictionary.com describes lonely as an adjective, "1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome. 2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc. 3. lone, solitary, without company, companionless. 4. remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak 5. standing apart, isolated"

that's not quite what I feel when I think of lonely, although, im not questioning dictionary.com... I just feel there is a deeper meaning...

as a single mother... a mother with sole physical and legal custody of my kids... I believe I feel lonely often. the concept of family is that there are people to share your life with (a small part of a very lengthy definition of family)... and although I share and love many moments with my children... the adult intimate, not just referring to sexual activity, is missing... im talking about the brainstorming of how to solve classroom issues with a child, the best choice for summer activities, class projects, back to school and open house nights, college choices, sporting events, overall decisions about the kids and their futures and parenting styles, pillow talk about daily activities... a commitment between two adults to raise and nurture full functioning children into adult life... all of these decisions and choices and thoughts lay in my brain alone... and although I feel strong enough to handle these... and I feel I am successful, thus far, at raising my children... it's a heavy burden to bare alone... it's a lot of brain activity that makes my body exhausted. I am so grateful for my children... im a better person because im their mother, im stronger, and wiser and better equipped to take on life... and along with being this strong independent women... im often lonely... and that loneliness is tolerable. I can bare those feelings... they have become part of my life and who I am... and I am grateful for those feelings, now I can recognize what good company and good companionship is...

I come from an immediate family that I feel is bent and damaged. I don't share holidays or special times with my family, mutually. they are not my backbones and people I turn to in any aspect of my life... and all for different reasons. I have learned to forgive and love despite these roadblocks... I have also learned healthy boundaries for myself in these relationships. not having those backbones feels lonely. wanting that closeness and not having it, assists in feeling lonely. and yet, that too, has become part of me, of who I am...

I have lost people in my life that were labeled as family in my life. people I allowed in, chose in moments to be my family. and they are no longer here. that helps tremendously in feeling lonely. and yet. I have accepted those situations for what they are and am capable of feeling and letting that go, and not having negative feelings that feed my life in any way. I accept each of the situations for what they are.

I have been in monogamous relationships. I have been married. I have cared deeply for people in my life. 
I have been in love, in unconditional love. the kind of love that you would give any part of yourself for. the kind of love that is more than one aspect. is much deeper than one moment, although, every single moment makes for massive memories and stronger feelings. the kind of love that no sacrifice seems impossible. all can be conquered with this love, any road block, any speed bump, any issue. where every smile is worth a million years. the kind of love that one kind deed can be spread through a year and make that year worth every second... where you want to see that person every minute of every day... and yet you are content knowing that they are happy... and are okay not seeing them that often... the kind of love where you care and want to hear every moment of their life. where you can listen to their thoughts and understand and want to know more... the kind of love where you will support and back up and be behind in the darkest moments... where you can hold their hand on their journey and walk next to when needed and help hold them up when needed... share the laughs, the sorrows, the victories and the losses... and make the best of all of those times... dance in the rain... the kind of love that you allow the fears and the baggage and the feelings of doubt fall away... trust in your strong, intense, unconditional feelings of love....

only to really learn and understand that the love is not shared... that is the true definition of lonely... to be alone in love is the true definition of lonely to me...

ramble about self worth

i think one of the hardest things to teach anyone is self worth. it's such a hard concept... such a hard thing to grasp and then after you find it... its holding onto it and remembering all the positives, especially when the going gets tough...

i love that line in the movie "THE HELP"... the maid says to the baby she cares for and has the baby repeat her "YOU IS KIND" "YOU IS SMART" "YOU IS IMPORTANT". what important words for a child to hear and repeat. what a tender way to build self worth!

i have personally been through many things in my short 33 years on this earth. many life lessons and experiences that have taught me massive lessons. i used to think i wanted to be like elizabeth gilbert (EAT PRAY LOVE) and take off to different countries, have those experiences and use them to better myself... to use that time and those experiences to "find myself". and although, the idea is a very pleasant one... that is not a possibility in my personal life. hahahahah... for many reasons... so... i have embarked on a journey inside my own life to find myself. i have never taken the time in my personal life to find myself. and figure out what i want, how i feel and where i want to go.

i take the things i cannot change or fix in my life and build off that. i am a mother. i cannot stop being a mother. the other thing i cannot change is that i have to make a living for the four of us. i have got to figure out how to make ends meet. those are the two things i cannot change or rearrange in my life. everything and everyone else is a CHOICE! being happy and feeling worthy of happiness is a choice. each day is ours to live... and i am thankful for starting to find my self worth that helps me in being confident and sure in my decisions...

i have chosen along my journey to accept that i am going to fall and accept that im only human and that i am going to make mistakes. i am going to second guess myself. i am going to wonder if i am doing right by my kids. i also have decided that when i make mistakes... i am going to fix them to the best of my ability and learn a lesson from each mistake. but in the end... i KNOW that im a good person. i know that i am worthy of love and i know that i have a tremendously huge amount of love to give. i choose to be honest. i choose to give to the people around me. i choose to stay true to the core definition of sandra and live my life constantly improving myself and adding to my good qualities... hopfully i can fill up with wonderful attributes and eliminate the bad qualities... :)

find your happy spot and stay there... go there FOR SURE when things get rough... keep your head up and believe in yourself. you are for sure more important than you realize and more important and special than you give yourself credit for... :)

my happy spots are rainy days, the beach, oprah (i know that makes me nerdy... hahaha), going new places and experiencing new things, a tender heart, gentle sweet moments where love is felt and there is a definent connection with people, disneyland,

please find your feeling of self worth... and do right by yourself! know you are worth your thoughts and feelings. a friend of mine just posted "stand up for what you believe in... even if that means you are standing alone"... have that confidence and self worth that you are amazing and that your beliefs deserve to be valued and appreciated.... and stand up for them... be confident and believe in yourself that you can do that and be willing to stand alone!

<3

and dont forget it!!! :)

catch up

so... apparently i let blogging slip to the bottom of my priority list... i am going to try my hardest! hahahahaha...

quick catch up...

me... just turned 33. LOVE that number. "some people try to turn back their odometers. not me, i want people to know 'why' i look this way. i've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved." ~~will rogers~~ i am running my business that was established april 2009. running a business is a very difficult endeavor. i have sole custody of my three angels since august 2009. we have come a long way. and continue to grow and learn. and im living in the same house since september 2007. love my house. all for me is going well... have some speed bumps, but other than that... seem to be taking steps forward. :)

eryn. omg. she will be 11 this saturday. i dont even know where the time has gone. she currently has straight "A"s and taken on basketball as well. she LOVES school. she works hard and is always striving to do better than the last report card. the GATE program has no funding... so her teachers are trying in every way they can to implement GATE activities into their normal studies during the school day. i am so thankful for that extra effort. she has been to a few basketball practices and very recently played her first two games. she has lots of improvement, but loves the sport... so i am confident that she will do well. she could always use a good book. she also loves nail polish and all those girlie things taht i dont do well. hahahah....

ethan is going to be 9 on friday. holy smokes. i cant even believe it. he struggles with grades, as i understand most boys do. his struggles are pure lazy... so i am hoping to get rid of those lazy habits as to improve those grades. he loves drawing. he has a sweet friend at school who gave him a sketch pad for christmas and it is one of his favorite things to do... draw. he loves elvis presley. he has a huge book all about elvis. he was elvis for halloween, and he was offended that people were so impressed by his costume. hahahahah... he has NO CLUE about the legacy that elvis has left... it's hilarious. he also loves to dance. a song that he likes comes on and he is all over it. it's cute.

eliot is going to be 8 in march. the kid is in complete transition from baby/little kid to big kid. and he is not enjoying the road. he also struggles with grades. i also believe his grades are due to lazy behaviors... so we are working on those as well. eliot loves to dance... he is shy with it but when he is home and a song comes on that he likes... hahahha... he is rockin out! eliot also loves hex bugs. i know, random. but he could play all day with those things... he also LOVES, more than i do, blankets and pillows. he is the biggest cuddle bug. and if there is not a person around for him to cuddle... the blankets will have to do... his bed is all blankets... in the morning i play "where's eliot"...hahahaha...

anyhow... that's a little bit... we are well and healthy. so many things have happened that have showed me how thankful i am and need to be for life... the precious moments and time we have here on this earth! will share more later... that's that for now! :)

grass is greener...

i am one to always criticize myself. one to second guess and question myself. which leads to comparing myself to others and evaluating myself in comparison to the people around me. i have learned that this is a very unproductive behavior. i have been working on concentrating on ME. and what MY goals are. and how i want MY life to take flight.

this picture got me thinking... if i am feeling that someones grass is greener than mine... i should not attempt to make mine green as the other grass... i should actually find the reason my side has no grass or less green grass... why i feel like anothers is greener than mine... and water mine. it's a state of mind as i compare myself to another, that i am dead grass. i need to nourish me and my choices. make the proper adjustments to improve me.

as i concentrate on me and making my grass green... the fence between me and another field does not exist. i am me. and i am a dang good person. i deserve to be happy. i have much to be thankful for. my life is full.

little man

so today eliot had an awards ceremony at school. he received the character counts award for the month in his class for "caring". his teacher, mrs rios, started her little speech about eliot before she actually announced his name, and got all choked up and teared up a little. she said the character counts award this month is for caring. and the little man that has earned this award gives the best hugs, they are so tight. he always has something nice to say to each of his friends. he greets them each morning, individually and bids farewell each afternoon. he is full of life and has a huge heart. she was teary. and then she announced his name, he stood up, this short little kindergarten man, and all the kids in his class were like "YES". and did the elbow from up down to the waist. they were all so happy for him. his smile was PRICELESS!!!!
i walked up to take his picture and was wiping tears away from my face. i was thinking, what a special little man he is. he is just a huge hearted good little man. his capacity to love is so massive. and i am blessed to have him as my son... he makes me smile... and i too, love his snuggles... :)

sweet appearance attorney's

so. here's a little insight to my job... :)

as a process server of unlawful detainers, part of that job is testifying in court hearings if the residents of the home refuse to vacate the property. residents try the craziest things to remain in the house as long as they possibly can. well, eventually the banks, who already own the homes again, will set a trial to have the judicial system step in to help the banks gain posession of the property. by the time it gets to this point, there is nothing anyone can do, but buy the residents more time to vacate the property. the stories and the situations the residents come up with are classic, mind you, they have not paid rent/mortgage for atleast 6 months to a year at this point. so options at this point are to sign a stipulation, which overrides the obligation to stand before the judge and have an actual trial. the stipulation is a time period agreed on by both parties for the residents to vacate before the sheriff lockout. or parties can stand before the judge where myself and the real estate agent must testify as to each part of the "workup" of the case. stips can allow for as much as 30 days at the property, but the judge cannot legally allow more than 14 days. then the sheriff's actually come out and kick all living beings out of the house, change the locks and have gotten posession for the bank. it's a hard thing.

anyhow... the eviction attorney's do not do their own appearing, they hire appearance attorney's to take care of these situations. well, i had a hearing in the downey courthouse... the appearance attorney was linda seals. she was frazzled that day. the defendants on the case agreed to sign a stipulation. i had filled out the stipulation for linda and did some of the work. she told me that i would be an amazing lawyer and i should go to law school. she gave me lots of research information. i really enjoyed her that day. then, one friay, i had 3 hearings in the whittier courthouse. when i got there, linda seals was the appearance attorney on all 3 of my hearings. it made me so happy. she was also the appearance attorney on a total of 16 of the 30 unlawful detainer hearings that day, that's already a lot of work in one courtroom. well, those hearings are normally heard in department 6 of the courthouse. well, this day, the comissioner was out ill. so they took the 30 cases and seperated them into the remaining 5 departments throughout the courthouse. there was no way that linda could be in all 5 departments at the same time to take care of each case. so i jumped in and started helping her, talking to defendants, seeing where they are and what their plans are. linda seals husband, jay tenanbaum, came from the santa ana courthouse to the whittier courthouse to help us. because i cannot appear on linda's behalf, but her husband could. so the three of us were running around getting all the cases heard in a timely manner and trying not to upset anyone... it was actually fun. i had a brief moment of thinking it would be fun to go to law school and all that... hahahahaha...

anyhow. that was friday. on monday... im at work all working away at the office. i keep the door locked because usually im there alone. there is a knock at the door. i look out the window and it is linda seals. i was like "what the heck in the world?". i opened the door and she came in. we sat for a minute and chit chatted. she came by to give me a gift certificate to starbucks for my help the friday prior. i was floored. her thank you meant the world plus to me. that, to me, is what it's about.... i did not help her for any recoginition purposes. i helped because it was needed and i knew it made her day easier. but her thank you, that carried me through my week, which ended up being hard to make it through, and her sweetness made me smile!!!

love... by kids...

so. i get lots of chain email letters... you know, those kind you just delete and never read... hahahaha.. just kidding!!! anyhow... i really loved this one. probably because im a romantic and i love this kind of stuff... but this is so sweet and so cute... awwww.... no matter what anyones place in life, i think this is what everyone wants, to different degrees... but i think everyone wants this... it's human nature...


A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds,
'What does love mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined See what you think:

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8

'My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones..'
Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8

And the final one The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

been a while...

well. it's been a while since i have blogged... so i will give a quick update on how everyone is doing.

eryn... she's hilariously funny. she auditioned as one of a million competitors to sing at her school "IDOL" program. she didn't make the cut, considering the massive amounts of "singers" who competed. she was, although, offered a spot on the "IDOL CHOIR". with some convincing from rachel and brittany, she agreed to be a part of the choir. she had her first practice today after school. one of the songs they are singing is "do, a deer, a female deer, ra, a drop of golden sun, me, a name i call myself, fa, a long long way to ruuuun, so, a needle pulling thread, la, a note to follow so, te, a drink with jam and bread, that will bring us back to do do do do..." i smiled so big with memories of "the sound of music"... she was shocked when i knew the lyrics to the song, like i was from some crazy planet. like she was the first person to ever hear that song. it was funny. a reminder of how old i am... :)
the last time we all went to get manicures and pedicures, i let her get her nails painted. oh. she was in heaven with her sparkly pink nailpolish. it was so cute. she thought she was such a big girl...
she ran a relay race at her school. her team won the race. she has told danielle that she wants her to help her learn how to run well. and she has decided that track is something she wants to do... she told me today (my dream come true) that she wanted to play sports instead of be a cheerleader... hahahahahaha... i am so not cut out to be a cheer mom! :)

ethan... what a kid. he just finished up his season of t-ball. he did so well. and im not just saying that because im his mom and i need to brag about my kid. he is a talented little boy in the world of baseball. he loved his season and his team. he was on the angels. and wants to continue to play. so that is exciting. by the end of the season they were not using the tee... and hitting actual pitches. he had a little fan squad. it was cute. i was there, rachel was there, rachels basketball girls came and my mom (until she fractured her heel) and dad and my sister and the boys came to sporadic games. we would all cheer for him. it was cute. and he loved it. he adores sports all around. he is obsessed with rachel's basketball girls. and it's not just because he likes them as people (which he does love them... all three of the kids love those girls)... but he watches them play. he is enthrawled with the game... it's so sweet to see him admiring such amazing girls.
he is improving with his behavior and hope he stays on that path... we have struggled with school and daycare behavior... but he seems to have learned how to keep himself in check most of the time... im proud of him.
he just lost both of his front teeth. so he is so funny with his little lisp... hahahahaha.

eliot... wow... where do i begin? this personality that has emerged the last few months is just amazing. he is so smart it's scary. his brain works in this way that is very similar to rachel. and different from most everyone else in the world. i remember that one time rachel was explaining to me how she processed the bending of toes on a foot and how many different things come to mind as that one seemingly simple action takes place. that is exactly how eliot thinks. he evaluates, processes and doesn't stop until he really understands what it is he is thinking about. he talks through, out loud, situations that go on around him. and if you ask him a question about it, he has a real answer that makes complete sense. i hope i made sense in that description of him.
he is loved by everyone he comes in contact with. his new saying right now is "that's special". his heart is just unbelievably huge. eryn and ethan like to gang up on him and pick fights and make his life a little more difficult than need be. and even though they leave him out and pick on him, they are eliot's priority. an example is that rachel and i took eliot shopping for his birthday. we told him to pick out any toy he wanted for his birthday. he looked around for a little while and then looked at eryn and ethan and asked them to pick what toy they wanted because he would want to play with them for his birthday. it was the sweetest thing.

we are doing super well. life is good. i have no complaints besides being tired... but from what i understand that is a permanent state of mind for a while... i have rearranged my work schedule so that i am able to have a lot of free time with and for the kids. i am enjoying that freedom... so there is a quick little update... more to come... :)

boundaries

so. i am a HUGE grey's anatomy fan. i started watching it the first season and have not stopped. i even made it through the season that was BORING!!! and then this season is so good!!! anyhow... i was watching season one on dvd yesterday and you know how meredith does her whole "end of the show narrative"? hahaha... well. she said this "boundaries do not keep people out, they just fence us in".
i started then, evaluating all my boundaries. and dang... i have tons. i have tons of walls built up, as i justify, for my protection. and i can see, kind of, the importance of beginning to take those down. for instance. one big mess of boundaries i have is with my family. all that we have been through. i have built up tons of walls and boundaries with them because of our life experiences together. i think my dad was the only one i didn't have any walls built up with, because really, he says like 5 things a year... it's not hard to be open with him... because he doesnt say anything really... hahaha. but my mom and my sister. dang. but this past week i have been, by wonderful situations, forced (in a total good way, forced) to spend more time with them. and i have begun to tear some of those walls down. and it feels so good inside. they really do love me. and i really do love them. regardless of the things we have been through, they are my family. and i miss our closeness. i miss how people avoid us like the plague when we are together because we are loud and embarrassing and open and honest. i miss our bantering. i miss how we show each other love. i miss those tender moments. i love my family. and i am so grateful for the time we have been able to spend together. someone close and special to me has told me that i am lucky to have my family, lucky to have a family that cares. and i have realized this, again, this past week.
so. that's my example. of course i have boundaries in many other places. but it's rather exhilarating to begin to demolish those walls.

stereotyping

so. saturday morning... i went to am/pm to indulge in a VERY small fountain drink, dr. pepper with crushed ice (an amazing treat). i was standing in line. i was second in line and there was a gentleman behind me with a trail of people behind him. the registers at the am/pm were acting up. not the fault of any person in the whole building, just a technology glitch. the manager is apparently working on it as quickly as he can and the other employee is trying to appease the people in line with her apologies and smiles. i was not even irritated, believe it or not. then the gentleman behind me started yelling at the manager, telling him things like "your equipment is faulty" "you should invest in better stuff" "get the &#*%! fixed" just being pretty rude. and pacing back and forth and sighing and grunting. made his point very clear that he was irritated. the manager was not rude and actually was handling himself well, considering he was attemting to fix this situation. so, he stopped ranting and raving for a moment and at a time of peace he leaned forward to me and said "you must be in your 20's". i didn't know quite how to respond to such a random comment. i replied "no, in my 30's". and he said to me "well, the only people i know stupid enough to drink soda in the morning are kids in their 20's". well, i immediately start thinking of a million mean and horrible things to say to this man, that i was already irritated with, when i was saved by the gentleman behind him. he said "you must be a gardener". and the rude man said "no. im a business man, why did you think i was a gardener?" and the other gentleman said "well, your mexican, so you must be a gardener". the rude man didn't even know what to say, he attempted backpedaling for a minute and then realized the mans point and backed off. he never apologized or anything, but he sure didn't have anything else to say.



so there are two thoughts i would like to share. first I AM NOT IN MY 20's ANYMORE!!!! holy smokes. my 20's are over. and i guess i have been so blah about turning 3o that i didn't even stop to reflect on that decade of my life. so. i took some time to do that on saturday. wow. what a 10 year block in my life. the worst and the best things are included there. i cannot even go into thoughts about my 20s because it would be a 5 mile long blog... at some point, possibly, just not now... but what an amazing decade of life. i hope my 30s are little more calm... hahahaha...



then my other thought is about stereotyping. that man assumed i was in my 20s based solely off the fact that i was drinking soda in the morning. how ignorant. how stupid. how closed minded. the gentleman was right about then coming back with taking a generalization about a race of people and making the same type of assumption on him. just because of a characteristic does not classify me into a group of people. im individual and unique regardless of my age, my habits, my race, my sex. i am sandra. and he is him. he has his own story, just as the rest of us do. anyhow. i am going to work harder on not classifying people and placing them into categories based of characteristics... anyhow... another lesson learned. again. :)